I Chose This....Right?


What if being a mom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be? 

I dreamed of sweet little babies sleeping and loving me and growing into adorable people. Where they succeeded and failed and I parented perfectly along the way. 

And loved it.

I don’t love it. Not all the time and not much at all sometimes. Don’t get me wrong - I love my kids to the moon and back but there are times where I see our friends with less children or no children and I am wistful and honestly, jealous. They can go out and have a life and dates. They can take vacations and get one hotel room. A sedan will hold everyone. They don’t have to split themselves in so many pieces to serve the family.

I choose this life - always said I wanted four children. Always wanted to marry my high school band camp sweetheart. And being the overachiever I am, I did both of those things. The kid thing - I was one of four. I believe that’s where my desire for four children came from. However, I was an ‘oops‘ - I was born 8 years after my closest sibling. My oldest sister and brother graduated high school when I was 4 and 6 respectively. 

Essentially I was an only child after age 10. I got married in college at age 20. Graduated. Got a job. Built a house. Had my first baby at 24.







Having four children in a little under 8 years seemed logical. And since three of the four showed up unplanned - we rolled with the babies. And we lost one along the way - that one was unplanned too. (In other words, we suck at the whole birth control thing. Hence tubes tied after 4th c-section.) 

As my children grew I survived. I enjoyed bits and pieces. Suffering from anxiety and depression sort of messed with the amount of enjoyment I had. Now that I have that under control....life is perfect right? 

Then why don’t I want to hang out with my kids? Why do I pray for bed time and a chance to have some me time? What about being ‘Mom’ isn’t working? Why does a weekend away never feel like quite enough to recharge my batteries and fill my proverbial cup?

The days where I have clarity and love being ‘Mom’ shine through just when I think I’m truly done. I hope those days become more frequent and carry me through the days where I have a serious lack of desire to be a parent. 

Because being a parent is forever. And I want to love it. All of it. 

Here’s hoping.....

This post was brought to you by our guest,
Evil Joy @ Evil Joy Speaks






37 comments:

  1. I don't think you are feeling anything as a parent that the rest of us didn't feel. you are just feeling it four times over..

    I just had the one and I felt this way most of the time. It's like you have to be super woman for the rest of your life.

    Maybe the only thing that I can suggest is , with four kids, pick your battles. You can't be all things to all kids.

    by the way, they are old enough to have chores, help with the other kids and allow you to have an hour each day in time out.

    which means, you get to just walk away,, and nothing short of blood or bones sticking out of the skin.. allows them to talk to you for an hour.

    try it, you will be surprised what an hour a day does for you. (and I don't mean during the time they are napping, outside, in school) I mean an hour during the peek I NEED MY MOM time..

    Yank the rug and see if the buzzards can fly!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love this. Never thought of taking the time while they are awake. It seems like they are dependent on me to keep them afloat. And you know what - they sailed just fine yesterday when I locked myself upstairs for 20 minutes and did Nothing. Didn't fold laundry...didn't sort socks. Just sat. And did what I wanted. Which was nothing. :)

      Delete
  2. I feel the same way. It doesn't mean I don't love my kids any less, it means that my life is out of balance. Right now it is all about them, one day it will be about us. I just hope I make it to that day:)

    Seriously though, if I didn't have kids then where would I get my blog posts from?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right?! Fodder for posts is the sole reason I let them live some days. Just kidding!!! As they grow it's been fun to hang out more with them vs taking care of them constantly.

      Delete
  3. I firmly believe we ALL need our Mom Time, our time to be selfish. There is NOTHING wrong with looking forward to bedtime, alone time. I've got news for you, those parents who say they LOVE being a parent 24/7 and always want to spend time with their children, watching them flourish and grow: They are full of shit. EVERYONE needs time to recharge their batteries. YES we asked for this, YES we wanted it and we are all doing our best, Joy. YOU are doing your best. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be a little selfish, and truly, it's NOT selfish to want 'me time'. If we don't take time and care for ourselves, how can we, in turn, take care of our families? You're doing the best you can, and I think you're doing a fabulous job! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Teri. I loved the conversation we had about this very topic when I visited. I did feel recharged and better when I got home but another week or month would have been good. And I like that I still want to like me - the kids will grow and leave...then where would I be if I forgot abou myself?

      Delete
  4. It is like the airplane advice to put your oxygen mask on first. Taking care of yourself IS taking care of your kiddos.
    Thank you for sharing your honest words.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is the exact analogy I was thinking of as I started writing replies. It's hard to do put them second sometimes but it is So important.

      Delete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love all of my kids, without a doubt. I have dedicated this life to sacrificing my body, my mind, my time, privacy, baths, enjoying dinner, etc. That does NOT mean that I'm super stoked about the fact that I can't remember the last time I took a shower without a midget!

    I miss me time all the time.

    There are days when I think about just getting in the car and never turning back. Then I remember how much I would miss taking showers with midgets and I quickly change my mind. It's not always a great day. We all have these moments and some of us (this girl) have them more than others.

    I really don't understand how we all got the idea that we're supposed to love being used as a tissue, chauffeur, and jungle gym every second, but I'll admit, I feel the guilt too.

    This is EXACTLY why in my Next Life, NO Kids!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOVE your blog!!!! I hear ya - I am constantly saying, "I'm not a tissue." I know...it's funny - you play house and mommy as a kid and then when we grow up we want to play kid and have no kids.

      Where did that idea of loving every minute of every day come from?

      Delete
  7. I think giving voice to these feelings is so important. The Pinterest World tells us to feel something different, but I like Real World Moms so much better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH!!!! We need to start Real World Anti-Pinterest Moms! Ohh! I like that!!!!

      Delete
  8. This is so real and wonderfully honest. I only have one child and I do not know how many I will have (I am already 40) but I already feel this way from time to time. Thank you so much for writing about it so beautifully. It's okay to need you time - its okay to want time off. It's all okay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks. I was afraid I was going to get heckled. I know so many people who desperately want children and don't have them. I was waiting for the mean comments.

      Instead all of you wonderful people have lifted me up. Thanks.

      Delete
  9. My life changed significantly when we went from having one child to having two. I honestly think we collectively pressure each other as moms to "one-up" everything or our children will suffer. It's exhausting. Being a mother is the hardest job I've ever loved. Without a doubt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's so weird. I feel like everyone here has their children in EVERYTHING. We are one of the only non-hockey families. We aren't in summer camps. We are just being this summer. I get a lot of looks when I share that. Oh well.

      It is the hardest job I've ever loved. And I do love it. Just not all the time. I like what Momastery has said....love a minute here or there.....

      Delete
  10. There's not much more I can add...we all know how you feel, as I believe we've all been there. Just like Glennon says over at Momastery....it's not about enjoying EVERY minute (how exhausting?). Focus on just a moment or two a day. And some days if you can't manage that, don't worry. You can start over again in the morning :-) GREAT POST, though!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Holy Crap woman - I just used the Momastery comment in my reply!!! Great Minds...great minds .....

      And I love that I want to love it. I just am learning to not have guilt over not loving it. The bright moments definitely carry me through the dark ones...and when that's not enough...tomorrow Is a new day.

      Delete
  11. Parenting is hard. Sometimes it's magnificent. Other times it totally sucks. Anyone who says it's amazing 100% of the time is either delusional or sniffing glue.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was going to say on Crack but I like sniffing glue better. And I feel like being honest with myself is better than lying to myself. And those around me. My son saw this post and was like...I get it. I understand. I don't like having rules all the time either...or you for a mom always...but I like it more than I don't. (Thanks...I think?) I feel like the next generation might have a leg up if we're honest and give them the real picture.

      Delete
  12. Are you my clone?

    Married at 19, first baby at 20, almost 27 and pregnant with our 4th (and last), 3 of those babies were earlier than planned (we suck at birth control, too).

    I wrote something similar a while ago, about being so lucky but feeling deprived. Just because we're moms doesn't mean the things we like or who we are change. Did you like repeating something for a full on hour before you had kids? Why should you like it after?

    This parenting stuff is DAMN hard and there are days that I hate my job. It doesn't mean I love my kids any less, it just means I miss having myself to myself, and there's nothing wrong with that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly!! The grass is always greener but I'm trying to just tend my own lawn....that sounded way better in my head than it does on the page.... Oh well...you know what I mean!

      I love so many understand. I didn't realize I was the only one who didn't for a long time. I thought I was suppose to rejoice in every mess, step, load of laundry, and giggle. I love I'm not alone.

      Delete
  13. Goodness-- being a good mom is about being you and being honest. You can't be a freaking super mom all the time because that's not realistic. Being honest about feeling overwhelmed and needing a break is awesome because like others said anyone who says otherwise is full of horse shit.

    I got married at 19, had 2 kids-- and then got divorced, got in a new relationship took on 3 stepkids.. now I have 5.. and sometimes I want to jump the border and run. What keeps me here isn't some magical force, it's the fact that at the end of the day when they're all sleeping, I get to reflect on the little moments that make them so amazing.

    Example- My middle daughter is sooo incredibly argumentative.. but there are times where her sarcasm makes me smile and I know she's going to be okay one day because she's a mini-me.

    It's okay not to like your kids some days too, no one else admits it but we all think it. Sometimes they are little jerks, but we love them much like we love our husbands even when they're asshats :).

    Hang in there, and look beside you because we're all hanging in there with you.

    Great post!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks!!!! I love this. And I have the exact thoughts about one of my kids. She drives me up the damn wall and down the other side - because she's exactly like me!!! Gah. But she'll succeed and do well in life. I have.

      I really am keeping the look around you comment in my heart. Strength in numbers and it really does take a village.

      Delete
  14. I'm in the middle of writing a post that touches on this. It's not the main point of the post, but it's in there - the guilt of the "I chose this, so why don't I love it?" You are so not alone, and honestly, I'm encouraged to see all the comments here coming from others who have been in the same place.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right?! I love the support and validation being shown here....makes my heart sing!!!

      Can't wait to read your post!

      Delete
  15. I am passionate about my kids and would never want a life without them, but I have those days where I'm watching the clock at bedtime too. I'm home with them 24/7 at the moment, I enjoy so much of it but I need breaks too! You're certainly not alone-we as moms are programmed to feel guilty about feeling that way, but we're only human!

    I'm so glad you came over and joined us for a day!(Yes world, I LOVE Evil Joy!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks!!! And totally agree - wouldn't want my life without them....but there are days I dream about peaceful houses, no laundry, and little responsibility. Then my mom calls and says just wait - they grow up and leave and then you'll be lonely.... guilt guilt guilt.....

      Thanks for letting me join you for a day....would love to come back!!!!

      Delete
  16. I love my kids and all but, man, are they annoying. Most of parenting is hard work. Every now & then you get a little perk or bonus thrown in - a mother's day card, a hug, a kind word - but those are few & far between. I do A LOT for my kids (as most moms do), and I can't really say I enjoy it. Am I really supposed to love going to my kid's lacrosse game at 6:00 after rushing to get their homework done & dinner on the table? Lax is for her, not me. I'm glad she's having fun & learning a sport, but what I'd really love is to sit on my ass & read a book in peace. And there's nothing wrong with that.

    Is it not enough that we do all these things for our kids? Now we a supposed to LOVE doing them too? I'm calling bullshit. I think too much pressure has been put on moms to be superhuman, & I'm calling bullshit on that too. Why is it ok for everyone else to complain about their job or their boss, but moms aren't supposed to say a word. Not only are we not supposed to complaint, but we are also expected to love every minute of it. Again, bullshit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BULLLLLSHIT. I love it! I am thinking of that hot guy in the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days or something like that....BUUULLLSSSHIT.

      And right on - I've said it before and will again - parenting is like any other job - there are days you love it and there are days you like and there are days you despise it and there are days you'd trade your left boob (and maybe the right one too) just to have your boobs back where they're suppose to be. And good call on not being able to say much without judgement! Anyone who says it's all rainbows and smiles is either 1 - high on something illegal 2- full of BULSHIT or 3 - is suffering from amnesia from the stench of the laundry pile await them.

      Delete
  17. I have been thinking about this a LOT lately, and wondering if my friends without kids are happier than I am, in some ways. I wouldn't trade my life with my daughters for anything, but I hear what you are saying and you are not alone. Thanks for sharing such an honest post- I loved it.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Amen sista! Thank you for your honesty and your transparency. Having the guts to say what many many others feel, is no small accomplishment. I only have 2 kids, but I totally feel what you're feeling. I love my kids and I have loved watching them grown into the young men they are becoming- 9.5 and 7. But they are not my world- well, they are not my world by choice, that's for sure.

    Like you, I chose to have kids and I don't regret it. But I certainly don't sit around feeling lovely and snuggly. It's hard and lonely and exhausting and so freaking repetetive. Bedtime is often the hightlight of my day as a mom. It's certainly gotten easier as they've gotten older. I becoem a little less theirs and a little more mine every day, but it still ain't a love fest. But who really wakes up each day eager to serve people who will never really appreciate it or recognize what it took?

    But we persevere. We strive to raise them while still figuring ourselves out as well. And we come together as moms to encourage one another and remind each other that we're normal and it's OK.
    Vicky
    www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  19. "Here's Hoping..." - I couldn't agree with you more! So glad to see you posting here! Hooray! Great piece!

    ReplyDelete

Well now that you're all up in our business...what have you got to say for yourself???

ShareThis

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...