An Ode To Mom Jeans

Post by One Funny Motha

I’m not talking about a return to the days when jeans extend all the way up to your neck. Or the time circa 1980 of pleated acid washed jeans to really highlight and enhance your burgeoning gut. I’m talking about a good, old-fashioned, fully functional, basic fitting garment that actually covers the body parts it’s designed to cover. I don’t think expecting your pants to come up past your ass is too much to ask. In fact, that used to be a basic principle of clothing.


I really don’t know what happened in the garment industry, but it seems it has completely dispensed with its 2,000-year history of manufacturing clothing for the purpose of clothing. Although we now have more options than ever with myriad styles, cuts and washes, sadly, none of them fit. It seems a cruel paradox.

Walk into any retailer and you’ll find a dizzying array of denim. Jeans that are skinny, super skinny, super duper skinny, straight skinny, slim skinny, slim shady, confining skinny, ultra uncomfortable skinny, and can’t-breath skinny. And that’s just the skinny category. Then there’s straight jeans, curvy jeans, straight curvy jeans, roundabout jeans, perfect boot cut jeans, sexy boot cut jeans, flare jeans and boyfriend jeans, not to be confused with sexy boyfriend jeans or metrosexual boyfriend jeans. I made that last one up, but I think the metrosexual is the one I need. The metrosexual boyfriend jean: fashionable yet fitting. Where can I find those?

While I may have trouble finding my perfect metrosexual boyfriend, I’m certainly not limited in my other choices. I can choose any finish from distressed to faded to whiskered to dark wash to not-too-dark-but-not-too-light wash to my personal favorite, worn crystal. Then you have the rises. There’s mid-rise, low-rise, ultra low-rise, low low-rise, and half-ass-hanging-out-rise. But where, I ask you, is the high-rise? Where is the standard cover your stomach so your flab doesn’t ooze over the side and form a muffin top rise?

And don’t even get me started on the skimmer jeans now available in stores for spring. There are approximately fifty-four thousand varieties of those too. By the end of sorting through the vast deep blue sea of denim, casting aside pair after imperceptibly different pair, in search of your size only to find one in the wrong length (regular, long or ankle) because for some reason The Gap thinks the average American woman is 10 feet tall, you’ll have to ask the salesperson, who is perched on a ladder stocking the highest rungs of the towering floor to ceiling denim display, for help.

“Um, excuse, me. Sorry I just trashed the whole pile of jeans you painstakingly folded and now will have to refold all over again, but do you have the dark wash always skinny skimmer jeans in mid rise size 8 in ankle length? I don’t see it here.” To which the perky 23-year-old sales clerk will inevitably respond, “Well, we have the dark wash deconstructed always skinny skimmer jeans in size 8 ankle but in low rise. Or the super skinny always skinny skimmer legging jeans in 8 ankle, but not in dark wash and those only come in ultra low rise.”

“Let’s make this a little easier,” you exhale, grasping at a shred of hope. “Do you have any skinny jeans in this store that are mid rise in size 8 ankle?”

“No, sorry,” says the gum-chomping salesperson, returning to the towering wall of denim, and you don’t get the sense she’s genuinely saddened by your loss.

“But you have a million jeans in this store,” you persist, struggling to understand. “How could you not have any in my size?”

But it’s no use because you are not 18 and the world and the jeans are stacked against you.

Please note, because I’d really like to avoid any confusion, and with full understanding I think all women can come to agreement on one very important point: I am not under any circumstances advocating for the high-to-your-eye rise jean. What I’m calling for here is a new jean, a better jean, a technologically enhanced jean. This is not your Mom’s mom jeans. I’m talking about a 21st century jean with a delicate balance of fashion and function for any woman who has birthed a child or developed beyond the age of 18. This is a jean for the modern woman, one who would like to maintain a fashion sense along with her dignity. A jean with a rise that falls comfortably between one’s rib cage and ass crack, because while we’ve been subjected to unwanted crack sightings for years and have become desensitized to it, I maintain crack is now and forever shall be whack.

What really perplexes me about the whole situation is why we don’t already have such a jean. My idea isn’t some wild fantasy. I know it can be done because it has been done. I remember well those heady days when clothing actually fit. In fact, fitting pants are still being made for men, which is what makes the problem with jeans being made for the normal human female shape rather than only the teenage form, that much harder to understand.

I remember wistfully a life before muffin tops, when jeans didn’t need to be hiked up every five minutes so as to prevent underwear (or worse) from showing, when jeans didn’t require special compatible or complementary underwear because undergarments actually remained under your garments. I remember when people were embarrassed by their crack showing, when being caught with a plumber’s crack was the height of humiliation. Sadly, those days are gone. Ass crack has now become a common part of daily life. Innocent bystanders are being subjected to it daily without consent, and I submit to you a society in which mass unwanted crack flashings are tolerated is not a civilized society at all. 

But it doesn’t have to be this way. We had fitting jeans once, and we could have them again. We must demand it. We must rise up and demand that our jeans rise up as well because while we may now have a multitude of rises, they have not risen far enough.

Please put your crack away...


25 comments:

  1. OMFG. I almost went blind. Sadly, this is a disease of epidemic proportions! I don't even think anyone SELLS jeans that cover my butt crack anymore. Hence, the yoga pants.

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    1. I know. That's what I'm saying. Even if you covet dignity, no one SELLS jeans to accomodate you so you're forced to wear these awful things, and I just don't understand it. And that thing in The Gap really did happen. I may have enhanced it a bit, but I asked the woman-child for skinny jeans in mid-rise & she said they didn't have any! What? How is that possible?

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  2. I miss jeans that fit. Why can't we just go back to the 80's where I loved everything?

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  3. Amen! (That picture would be funny if I did not see the same thing every time a mom leans over to pick up her child at the Target.)

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  4. I'm not a mom but I am agreeing with you wholeheartedly on this post. THANK YOU for writing!

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  5. Dear God. Why can't someone create a pair of jeans that doesn't squash out my post-baby stomach into a tidal wave of hideous? No one needs to see your coin slot. For Christ's sake - give us back a little dignity. We have to walk around with a child pulling on those jeans threatening to pants us in public. We don't need to encourage that behavior with pants that look like we may explode out of at any given second and zippers hanging on for dear life!

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  6. that is hilarious... Your post I mean, not the crack... ugh...

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  7. I love this post! My crack often feels the cold (against my will) due to shoddy jeans x

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  8. And how about some that will cover my ill-considered "tramp stamp" so my son doesn't play "smack the dragon" in public?

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    1. I like how you refer to your own tattoo as a tramp stamp.

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  9. This is perfect. PERFECT! I could not possibly agree with you more! I will sign your petition! Off to share this...in a million different places!

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    1. Why thank you. And I love you.

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  10. I just bought the perfect pair of jeans from Eddie Bauer, granted they were boyfriend jeans, but the fit was amazing. They were 70% off and I was like hell yeah SCORE! and searched to find others in my size with no luck :(
    Great post! I can relate, and it appears to me that you're among friends. : D
    Jae Mac, I'm Just Sayin'...(Damn!)

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  11. OK I was only chuckling as I read, but when I saw that caption I nearly woke my son! And that Slim Shady comment did not miss my radar lady. I totally agree, so you know what? I'm sticking with sweats and yoga pants. When you work it out, let me know.

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  12. LOL! I hate hate buying jeans! And I totally agree! I'm not tall either or skinny so finding a pair of jeans is impossible >.<

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  13. There is a whole new kind of hell when you have to shop from the plus size rack. Lots of Mom jeans to choose from but you have to accept elastic waist bands and embroidered sail boats. I am a hott Mama that happens to have some extra cushin after all my pushin. Shopping for jeans is now a punishment! And the new thing with jeans being acid washed in just the places that highlight the biggest part of my thighs, thanks fashion!
    Great post!

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  14. I've come close to finding my favorite pair of jeans - Lee Rider's Relaxed. I can bend over without passing out. And they actually come in my length. I'm 5'9" and I usually find jeans that make me look like I'm waiting for the next flood or lost my feet in some tragic wading incident at the beach.

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  15. Yes! Mine are Lee Perfectly Slimming Bootcut 512 Jeans. These are stretchy, come up to your belly button where all jeans should and have like a mini Spanx-like feature in them so they hold in your gut, but they're still comfy b/c they stretch. Listen up, Ladies!

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  16. The last time a had a well fitting pair of jeans was when I was a, "perky 21 year old sales person', who rolled my eyes at the ever insistent 50+ woman who was shopping in the wrong store. Sadly- the roles have reversed. She's 50+ now and I'm in yoga pants. So there!

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  17. You are a dreamer. I share the same dream. Now pardon me while I pull up my jeans.

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  18. I hear ya. There is nothing more frustrating than trying to find a pair of jeans that cover everything, have a zipper that's more than 2 inches long, and are comfortable. Joe's Jeans are pretty good, I've found, also the jeans at Anthropologie. I'm only 5ft and I feel like I should donate the extra 2 feet of fabric that I have to cut off so someone else can have a pair of jeans. This was so funny!

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  19. Old navy boot cut mid rise "diva" in talls - only one that covers my butt and doesn't look like I'm prepping for a flood. And even then it's hit & miss and ordering online because the stores NEVER have them in stock.

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  20. "Slim Shady" - hahahahahaha! I swear, buying jeans has become far more complicated than ordering coffee at Starbucks! I gave up on jeans right about the time the maternity jeans didn't fit anymore because of the post-baby weight. Oh well, I'm good with elastic waist bands for now. :-)

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  21. Yes, I really would love not having to watch the big hairy ass on display!! LOL!!

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  22. Preach it! When you find these utopian jeans, give me the details and there will be a Mommy-sized hole in the wall as I haul ass out to get a pair for myself. I used to love my jeans- now I hate pretty much every pair I own. Perhaps the yoga pant cult would be a bit smaller if all jeans didn't suck major ass.

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Well now that you're all up in our business...what have you got to say for yourself???

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