An Open Letter to Ms. Minaj

The word “epistolary” referred to letters written to elicit change.  In the days of yore, the pen was a strong weapon and wielded often to affect change.  The art of words has lost some of its poignancy as the media, social media and other methods of communication have emerged.  Few actually turn to writing letters as a manner of compliment or criticism. 

In January, we Epistolarians are forging our own path with a set of letters to either commend or chastise those we feel strongly enough about to place pen to paper (or fingertips to keyboard).  Whether a celebrity, secret love interest, friend or nemesis – we will be spouting off from our little corners of the internet. 

 Post by Teri @ Snarkfest

Dear Ms. Minaj,

May I call you Nicki? Nick? Whackjob? Sorry. I just have to ask you this:

Really?? What in the wide world is wrong with you? Seriously, woman. You have a great singing voice. Really, I do like the singing, when it happens. But sadly, you don't sing as much as you babble. And your babble is, to me, like nails on a chalkboard. Think Edward Scissorhands on a chalkboard. No kidding.
And you're relatively pretty(ish). So what's with the wigs and boobs?
And the language?? REALLY? Forgive me, I don't have my fucking-crazy-to-English dictionary, so what the hell does this actually mean? 

Yes I did, yes I did
Somebody please tell him who the eff I is
I am Nicki Minaj, I mack them dudes up
Back coupes up, and chuck the deuce up

Really. WHAT?? What does that mean? And this:

Bitch talkin she the queen, when she looking like a lab rat

I'm Angeline, you Jennifer
Come on bitch, you see where Brad at
Ice my wrists and I piss on bitches
You can suck my disnik if you take this jizzes
You don't like them disses, give my ass some kisses

Anyone want to take a stab at 'diznik'? I've got nothing. Honestly, Nicki, you're short and cute and I don't really know if you write your own lyrics or if you pay someone to do that for you. (really hope you're saving the receipts because that's just trash) but you're better than this.
 
What must your mother think when she hears you using words like disnik and jizzes?? What do you tell her when she says 'what dat means?' Truly, you get yourself a good song writer and stop that rapping crap and sing like the songstress I know you can be and you'll really do well.
Also, I'm not sure red is really your color:

I'm just sayin'. 
Love and kisses,Snarkfest

41 comments:

  1. And WE think OUR past behavior may embarrass our kids some day? Imagine being her future child: "no, that was NOT my Mom, just someone who looked like her" . . .

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    1. Karen, my daughters would completely disown me if I ever acted like that. The worse I ever did when I was that age was wear blazers with huge shoulder pads and high hair!

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    2. have you forgotten about Madonna........but she's still acting up isn't she?

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  2. Somehow I feel she embodies every negative hyperbole regarding girls now. She's such a gross caricature of an unintelligent, never-read-a-book and I don't ever want to, let's just party and have absolutely no self esteem female. Let's all be like Rihanna and get back with our abusive boyfriend. What. Ever. I'm glad she's not my daughter.

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    1. You've made excellent points! All of the young acts coming up today have so much more of an effect on our kids more so than the acts we listened to when we were growing up, and it's because of social media, internet, youtube, etc. Instant gratification. Rarely did you see your favorite band on anything other than the cover of Tiger Beat or Rolling Stone. Now the kids can follow these acts on FB and Twitter and actually see the trainwrecks that they call lives.

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  3. You need your Idiot to English dictionary. Shakes head, walks off going WTF?

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  4. Shhiz bizille you don now nofin. No-fin. So sickle my nickel and fucickle.
    Yeah.

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    1. She needs a plate of shutthefucupcakes, Tracy!!

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    2. Naziwhackjobrunningcrackho1/06/2013

      LMAO off "shutthefucupcakes"..om gosh your killing me. I am laughing so hard almost spit my wine across the floor..

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  5. Seriously, I think she is eight kinds of crazy. I watched about 5 minutes of her reality show/special (I have a serious Reality TV problem) and spent the entire time wanting to slap her in the face...it's like she's proud to come across stupid. Grrr!

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    Replies
    1. She has a reality TV show??? God, I'm so getting rid of cable.

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  6. It's all just for show and the dumbed down generation who adores her. Gag.

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  7. I hope Mariah Carey body slams her on American Idol this season!!! She's like an Oompa Loompa gone wrong ;)

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  8. Lmao!!!! That's hilarious!

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  9. Just shock and awe, but at least you took the time out to address her nonsense. She is absolutely ridiculous and I truly hate that young girls look to women like this as some kind of role model. Clearly a generation lost.
    Jae Mac, I'm Just Sayin'...(Damn!)

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  10. Yes, seriously, how does one explain to her mother what "disnick" means...

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  11. I wonder if her disnick is the shizznits?

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  12. I LOVE THIS!! oh and I am pretty sure "chuck the deuce up" means she eats shit and then throws itt up. Becuse my husband is always talking about dropping a duece, or his duece was meand and I'm pretty sure that's a shit. Nicky is a shit... Well done Terri, well done!

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    1. Oh April, after reading that I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Maybe eating the deuce and then chucking it up is why I can't stand her voice. Hmmmmm.

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  13. hehheheheh!! I didn't even know the lyrics....um, I still don't quite now either!!

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    1. Trust me, I had to look them up.

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  14. OMG - I think I snorted coffee out my eyeballs I laughed so hard!!! Can you imagine her grandchildren - yeah this was grannie when she was young. Oh....it was all the fab to make it look like your boobs are going to explode!

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    Replies
    1. Sorry about the eyeballs, Joy. ;)

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    2. I hate when I do that. My eyes!

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  15. Best line: "fucking-crazy-to-English dictionary."

    I feel like nearly all the female role models - at least in music & kids' post-preschool TV programming - act like stupid, obnoxious, entitled, egotistical, disrespectful whorish brats.

    It makes me sad because some of them do have tallent they could be putting to much better use.

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    1. You're absolutely right. I actually took my girls to see Miley Cyrus before she went insane. She has a great voice and put on a fantastic show. But then she shaved the head and lost the mind. Kids.

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  16. I am so glad someone addressed this issue because her rap-spastic voice drives me insane. I don't understand how anyone can even a little bit like that garbage. Don't know that I've ever heard her sing so I can't really lend my opinion to her singing voice one way or another, but her rappy nasal sound is grody. Edward Scissorhands on a chalkboard, indeed! X.x

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  17. Love this! I mean I LOVE IT. And this is the "role model" of so many young girls who aren't told or taught any better! Of course we don't live under a rock, my kids know who she is, have heard the songs, but it is not ever something intentionally listened to and not allowed. They know better. She trippin. It's really scary and disgusting that THIS is what people aspire to be like. Not my girls, please God, never my girls.

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    1. You're right: she be trippin' n'shit. My girls like her. But they don't want to BE her. Thank God.

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  18. Thank you so much for posting this in Finding The Funny this week! I'm Keesha from Mom's New Stage - one of the hosts. Even as a dance teacher, I don't know what to do with the pop music these days. I love Lady Gaga, and I can see Rihanna, but this chick is a hot steaming mess and I wish she would just go away. Thank God my kids are little now, but I know my day is coming with the mess they'll be listening to (God, I hope not!!!)

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    1. Pleased to meet you, Keesha! I will pray for you, that your children will develop GOOD taste in music. Lady Gaga is an amazing talent but like Michael Jackson and Madonna, she's just a tad out there.

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  19. Naziwhackjobrunningcrackho1/06/2013

    You crack me up my funny snarky bestie friend. I needed a good laugh and you never let me down.

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  20. Never, in my life, have I had such dislike for a singer. I, personally, think Nikki Minaj is a joke and is making a mockery out of music. Her 15 minutes ended a LONG time ago!

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    1. What scares me is, what will the NEXT big thing be that replaces her?

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  21. Did you see that she's being offered a clothing line at Kmart? Her and Adam Levine (a piece of my soul just died a bit) signed a deal with Sears. At least I know what to get you for Christmas...Kmart gift card?

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    1. For realz? So Kmart's going to sell gumdrop shirts and bustiers now? Awesome. That's going to make Walmart look like Nordstroms.

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  22. RAP = just one letter short of CRAP.

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    1. I have been telling my kids for YEARS that you can't spell Crap without r-a-p.

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  23. YES! I feel like I could translate some of those lyrics for you but...it's kinda dirty...

    Seeing her on American Idol has made me like her though. HER...her personality. She's super funny and I like it.

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Well now that you're all up in our business...what have you got to say for yourself???

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